Something Squirrelly this Way Comes

There's this show on the Food Network (Food TV, whatever) called Good Eats. It's hosted by Alton Brown. He cracks me up. He's quirky, chipper, creative and yes, by gum, he's squirrelly!

A couple nights ago there was a repeat of his show Fry Hard II: The Chicken. As I'm not at all fond of eating food with bones in them, I hadn't planned on watching it. Until I heard the first couple lines, then I was hooked. Alton was quoting The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. I adore Poe. Except it wasn't The Raven, it was The Chicken said to the format of The Raven. I found the show transcript on the Good Eats Fan Page. But I have yet to find the awesome person who wrote The Chicken. If anyone knows, let me know so I can give the person his/her credit! Plus send them a fan letter :)


AB: = Alton Brown, C: = Chicken. Read on and laugh lots.

[voice over]

Once upon a mid-morn dreary, as I pondered with eyes quite bleary,
Over many a curious volume of culinary lore,
On a latte I was sucking, and yet suddenly there came a clucking,
As if some salesman were a-mucking, mucking about my kitchen door.

AB: 'Tis some salesman. Only this, nothing more.

And yet presently the noise repeated. So I hollered, no longer seated.

AB: Beat it, pesky husker, mucking about my kitchen door.
At my business I'm now working, so my chain you'd best stop jerking.

Then throwing wide the kitchen door, I found there a chicken and nothing more.

AB: Eeeh.

Leapt a back I then with a stutter, as the phantom bird did with a flutter
Mount the folk-art bust of Julia Child there upon my kitchen floor.
Perched and sat and nothing more.

Then the palled poultry most perplexing did set my meager mind to guessing ...

AB: From whence did you come to perch upon the bust of Julia on my kitchen floor?

Quoth the chicken,

C: Fry some more.

As certain as my heart is ticking, I'm certain no living chicken
Has ever so clearly commanded a living cook before
With an utterance so clear and shocking that even I could not ignore.

Quoth the chicken,

C: Fry some more.

Then thought I, perhaps she's on to something.
For too long now I have been supping
On feed incapable of nourishing my anguished soul.
Perhaps some truly good eats my hungry soul could restore.

Quoth the chicken,

C: Fry some more.
AB: Good eats, that is.

Intro credits, regular show talk

C: Fry some more.
AB: Hush, foul fowl.

More instructional cooking talk in non-Poe speak

C: Fry some more.
AB: I'm getting to it.

Even more instructional cooking talk in non-Poe speak

C: Fry some more.

AB: ... yes, must be eaten with the fingers ...

wrap up of show

The chicken, never flitting still is sitting, still is sitting
On the folk-art bust of Julia on my kitchen floor.
In her thighs I see the quiver of a future pan- fried dinner
Whose crunchy, golden goodness does my appetite implore
To go ahead and fry some more.